


Triumvirate Reforged

by Mizudoriko



Category: Naruto
Genre: Attempt at Humor, Author lurks in the comments, Hiruzen smokes weed now?, I am Death, I am FIRE, Jiraiya is in denial, Kudos to anyone who gets them, Massive Property Damage, Not Canon Compliant, Okay....word of warning: Crack taken very seriously, Please Standby as Orochimaru conducts experiments, Random references, Sannin Shenanigans, Team as Family, There is a reason why Hiruzen stopped at child No. 2, Tsunade is more Uzu than we thought
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-05-05
Updated: 2020-01-26
Packaged: 2020-02-26 20:14:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,563
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18724171
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mizudoriko/pseuds/Mizudoriko
Summary: There is a story of the Sannin...well, there are many but all of them run along the same vein:Legendary.Feared by both allies and enemies.Each a genius in their own right.Broken.Potential left on the back shelf to gather dust.Obsolete as time moved forward without them.And then Hiruzen drops a barrel of apples.





	1. Hiruzen

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, so I started another fic....
> 
> Please don't murder me????
> 
>  
> 
> I will update the others eventually

There is a story of the Sannin...well, there are many but all of them run along the same vein:

_ Legendary. _

_ Feared by both allies and enemies. _

_ Each a genius in their own right. _

_ Broken. _

_ Potential left on the back shelf to gather dust. _

_ Obsolete as time moved forward without them. _

One, the last of her clan, her dreams for a family extinguished as the death toll climbed higher. She fears blood so much that she can no longer stand the sight of it, forever reminded of what she lost. Drinking her sorrows away and gambling does nothing to drown the faces of the dead.

Another whose life was ended at the hands of his own student, the others he taught long dead and lost. He bears the burden of a prophecy, forever questioning if he made the right choice, wishing that he could go back and change it all. He chases after his death and repentance, leaving behind one last protege: This one changes the world.

The final fears death more than anything, he stays after the other two have left. And yet, he too makes his exit after ostracization and deception. He delves deeper into insanity, chasing after immortality his antidote, knowledge as his prize.

All of them chose to run instead of facing their problems.

This...is not that story.

And to think, it all began because Sarutobi Hiruzen decided to take the road instead of the rooftops, causing him to arrive thirty minutes late to meet his genin team. 

Truly, the gods had cast their lot against him that day, for there seemed to be a never-ending stream of old women needing help with something or other. While carrying barrels of apples across a busy street is not a common job for a shinobi, it is a noble profession.

Really.

If only Hiruzen could convince himself of that.

It’s on this day that his life descended into incurable madness.

* * *

It’s truly a lovely day in Konoha, the sun is shining, the crows are chirping— _ cawing, they are cawing, you idiot _ —and there are a lot of trees.

The trees are a given since this  _ is _ Konoha. The Land of Fire should have been named the Land of Trees for its overabundance of firewood— _ maybe this is why it’s named the Land of Fire? _ —like Kusa had been named for the sheer amount of grass they have growing.

It’s a conspiracy surely.

But the  _ trees _ .

Ahem, moving on.

In this lovely picturesque scene, a certain man is going to be very late.

The Sandaime is a busy man— _ an understatement of the century...if only he would stop smoking and actually do his work _ —and valiantly does battle with his mountains of paperwork every day with a— _ mostly _ —straight face. He usually toils without— _ many _ —complaints through the day and happily— _ oh yes, very happily _ —returns home to his lovely family.

The small,  _ small  _ fact that he arrives home near midnight or later on a daily basis should be kindly overlooked.

But today,  _ today _ is a day previously unknown to all other days. Today will go down in history as a day of great renown. Today is...the culmination of his most studious efforts of convincing the Council to let him teach a Genin team.

His own team!

Oh, the new, happy chapter of his life!

Tobirama-sensei would no doubt be proud.

Again, the tiny fact that he did all of this was to avoid his mountains of paperwork growing mountains of paperwork of their own is to be  _ kindly _ ignored. Though the people that the tortu—paperwork were delegated broke the  **COMPLAINT BOX** sitting on the Hokage’s desk. This, of course, created more paperwork and lead to the very bright orange  **COMPLAINT BOX** to be removed.

May you paperwork propagating heathens mourn appropriately.

Tobirama-sensei—may he rest in peace—might actually be rolling in his grave instead.

Anyway. He gets to corrup—teach, he gets to  _ teach _ newly minted graduates of the Academy, isn’t this a joy? Well, pseudo-graduates since they still have a final secret test to pass, not that any of them know of this since it is a  _ super, top secret, mind shattering,  _ **_earth rendi_ ** —you get the idea.

Content, Hiruzen takes his time relishing his freedom from paperwork, he finds that he likes the idea immensely, not that it came as much of a surprise. He’s so giddy that he decides to take the road instead of the rooftops to enjoy a scenic route since he’s always holed up in his tower. Greeting the people would be nice.

The Sandaime nods to passing shinobi and civilians alike as they call out their greetings, it really  _ is _ a lovely day. The sun is shining, the crows are tweeting— _ cawing, they are...wait, hasn’t this been said already? _

And then, oh dreadful,  _ dreadful _ fate! Oh, cruel harbinger of imminent doom! Oh, majestic treeeeeeeee?— **_ahem._ **

Also called Murphy’s Law, but Hiruzen knows of no such person by that name.

“Ah, Hiruzen! My, do the times fly by! Why I remember when you were a young man—” 

Does this lowly mortal dare to insinuate that he is no longer young? He does have a few grey— _ no he does not _ —hairs...but still!

Let it be said that his wife, Biwako, has drilled manners into him. He is not an uncivilized pig to be rude to the elderly...even if they point out his non-existent grey hairs,

“Why hello, Takahashi-san!* How are you today?”

Takahashi-san looks at him pointedly. Hiruzen does not like where this is going,

“Well, I would be better if I could find someone to help me carry these apples…”

He’s a shinobi dammit, how did he not notice that monstrous barrel of apples? What use does an old lady have for so many apples anyway?

As if sensing where his thoughts have turned, Takahashi-san glares at him,

“I have seven grandchildren! There’s Miku, Riku, Kiku, Goku—that boy prefers meat over apples, but he can’t live off of meat alone! I swear he eats more than ten times his body weight—Haku, Iku, Saku, Raku, and Toku!”

That’s...more than seven grandchildren, but Hiruzen won’t judge, Takahashi-san is probably getting senile in her old age.

But today is a  _ lovely  _ day, he’s in a good mood too, why not help an old lady that knows him from somewhere even though he swears that he’s never met her before— _ he would know if he met someone so...weird, wouldn’t he?! _

So the Hokage smiles good-naturedly and uses his awesome shinobi strength— _ it’s just chakra reinforcement _ —and picks up the  _ entire barrel. _

As it turns out, this was a mistake because the bottom immediately broke, sending all the apples tumbling through the street.

“Oh no! My apples! My poor grandchildren will starve! They were to have a hundred apples each! What will I do now?”

A hundred apples per child...that’s...nine hundred apples, or is it seven hundred?** Takahashi-san said she had seven grandchildren, but she listed off nine names. Do children even need a hundred apples, can they actually eat that much? He has a newfound respect for his wife, secretly— _ not really _ —glad that he doesn’t have to be the one to feed his child.

Hiruzen now has to gather seven or nine hundred apples on the busiest street of Konoha without making a fool of himself if he hasn’t already. He supposes that there is some truth in the words, “the road to hell is paved with good intentions”.

If he ever meets the person who came up with that one, he’ll make sure they add apples to the phrase. “The road to hell is paved with good intentions...and apples” does have a nice ring to it.

Oh, Tobirama-sensei.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> * Please read the first search result. https://www.google.com/search?q=common+japanes+last+names&rlz=1C1CHBF_enUS844US845&oq=common+japanes+last+names&aqs=chrome..69i57j0l5.5581j0j7&sourceid=chrome&ie=UTF-8
> 
> ** An apple is roughly half a pound, nine hundred apples are about four hundred fifty pounds. I had an actual apple weighed as a reference.
> 
> Oh, Tobirama-sensei indeed.


	2. Tsunade

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Oh, dear. Tsunade is getting a head start on the killing people thing.

Senju Tsunade is a very prim and proper lady.

She would never,  _ ever _ punch someone for being late.

_ Especially  _ not their MIA sensei.

Nor that annoying Jiraiya who _ won’t stop asking her out on dates.  _ She most definitely won’t spend the next month figuring out who had the audacity to assign that  _ idiot _ to her team and she won’t murder them in their sleep.

At least Orochimaru’s normal, if a bit quiet at times. He’s really smart too! Orochimaru had been the top of the class, Tsunade can appreciate a good challenge, the two of them had been vying for first their entire Academy career.

She’s not upset. 

Not at all.

Seriously, just because she broke a couple of pencils— _ they were really twiggy and splintery _ —doesn’t mean that she’s upset.

“Hey, Tsunade-chaaaaan~! Are you even listening? Let’s go—”

And Jiraiya is now a bird, how interesting! He doesn’t have any wings, so it’s not a surprise that he lands…

On his face.

Awkwardly.

It looks like it hurts, but Tsunade can’t bring herself to care much. After all, it wasn’t  _ her _ that punched him, no he punched  _ himself _ . She is a very prim and proper lady, befitting of her status as the Senju princess.

If sensei asks, it was Orochimaru that punched Jiraiya, then Jiraiya who punched himself. Or both at the same time, it doesn’t really matter what order, Tsunade  _ did not punch that godforsaken annoying midget of an idiot. _

**_Ahem._ **

“Hey, Orochimaru-san, where do you think our sensei is?” She makes small talk to pass the time, envious that Orochimaru had enough sense to bring a book, even though senseis are usually not  _ this late _ and Orochimaru always has a book  _ somewhere. _

Her other teammate looks up from his reading and tilts his head,

“I don’t have clairvoyance.”

Well.

That. Was. Nice.

Yay.

Tsunade does not have anger issues.

Tsunade is calm.

Like the very pretty whirlpools of Uzu that have a tendency of...

Eating the rude.

“Hey, Tsunade-hime, want to—”

Oh. Wow, Jiraiya is getting the hang of this flying business, if only he would stop landing on his head, he doesn’t have enough brain cells to lose.

If sensei asks, it was because Jiraiya is an idiot for practicing jutsu without adult supervision. Tsunade had nothing to do with it. No, it was Orochimaru, he finally snapped and pulled a fast one on Jiraiya.

Yup! That sounds about right.

“You should stop punching him, Tsunade, even if he is annoying. We didn’t plan nearly as much as we should have if we are just going to covertly disappear that moron.” Orochimaru watches Jiraiya’s face turn redder and redder with fascination.

“You!  _ You _ —”

Orochimaru cuts him off,

“That is quite a concerning shade of red you are turning, tell me when you have an aneurysm? I’ve always wondered how fast a person can get an aneurysm from anger.”

Jiraiya completely loses his speech capabilities, thankfully. Tsunade doesn’t know how much more she can take. In fact, making Jiraiya speechless is a feat no one else has accomplished until now. Orochimaru is now her most favorite teammate. 

Where is that sensei of theirs? If he doesn’t arrive in the next minute, Tsunade is roping all three of them into rigging the entire training field with explosive tags to blow everything sky high and watch with popcorn from a safe distance when their idiot sensei finally arrives.

What is popcorn? Tsunade doesn't know but it sounds appropriate, maybe she has enough time to make a dango run? Jiraiya won't be getting any, but she doesn't know what flavors Orochimaru likes.

Does he even like dango?

She'll just have to ask him right now.

“Fight me, snake-bastard! I bet you just want to have Tsunade-hime all to yourself! Fear not, Tsunade-hime! I will end this fiend!” Jiraiya screeches like some sort of demented crow.

Funny things, crows. They have a habit of tweeting instead of cawing in Konoha.

Well, she might have to ask Orochimaru later about the dango then.

Oh, what the hell,

“Orochimaru-kun?”

He turns to give Tsunade a wary look, ignoring Jiraiya’s complaints with an ease that comes from practice,

“Yes, hime?”

Jiraiya continues tweeting like the bird he is, Tsunade is going to make him fly if he keeps it up. Wait, no. Tsunade has nothing to do with Jiraiya's impromptu flying sessions.

She twitches, cracking her knuckles and grinning serenely,

“I’m going to take you up on that offer. You figure out how to explain Jiraiya’s disappearance and I’m going to  _ end him. _ ”

Orochimaru, to his credit, doesn’t bat an eyelash and pulls out odds and ends from his sealing scroll,

“How much time do I have?”

“Two seconds,” Tsunade continues smiling demurely like the princess she is.

“You drive a hard bargain, hime,” Orochimaru comments dryly, but speeds up his movements all the same.

Tsunade launches herself gracefully at Jiraiya who is now screaming about being dreadfully late to something and needing gloves or whatever. Well, he’s about to end up dead.

Not because Tsunade killed him or anything.

Nor Orochimaru because he is the most innocent person ever, right after Tsunade.

Jiraiya just had an unfortunate accident with his own fist, he’s just so clumsy sometimes.

Honestly, what if their darling sensei met the same fate? The reason why he’s so late must be because he’s also ridiculously clumsy. That Hokage, he shouldn’t have left home this morning, who knows what can happen?

Accidents and apples, to be sure, but Tsunade isn’t sure that came from. Nonetheless, she has a white rabbit to pummel...into submission.

Or out of existence and down a rabbit hole where rabbits belong, but that doesn’t matter so much.

Jiraiya ends up half-dead, which is unacceptably half alive, but Tsunade suddenly remembers she needs Orochimaru to help her set up explosive tags. She leaves Jiraiya where he lies in a collapsed heap and goes to convince Orochimaru to join her scheme.

She wonders how she'll have to break it to him, the poor boy might take it the wrong way. 

Ah, yes! Mito-sama always told her to go for the simple route with men. Short and to the point, otherwise they won't understand. Tsunade feels that Orochimaru is smart for a male, but from what she saw of her great uncle and grandfather...men are idiots.

Massive idiots.

“Explosive tags!” She exclaims happily when she comes within hearing distance.

Simple enough right? Completely understandable.

Orochimaru narrows his frankly rather strange eyes,

“No.”

“But! Explosions!” Tsunade pouts. Maybe she wasn't simple enough? Explosions come from explosive tags and it's just  _one_ word, surely Orochimaru will understand the severity of their mission?

“I don’t need to vanish another body. How are we going to explain the absence of a Hokage?” Orochimaru retorts logically, that killjoy.

On the bright side, Orochimaru is an averagely smart male, he can understand one-word answers!

Well, Tsunade will just have to do it by herself then, as a princess, she’s more than capable of blowing up her sensei.

Orochimaru’s brilliant idea is to tie Jiraiya up and gag him before throwing them behind some bushes. He then covers the unconscious Jiraiya with some leaves and dirt for added measure. Tsunade is not sure how much dirt he added underneath the leaves or if Jiraiya will not be buried alive but she’s rather preoccupied with her explosive tags to care.

Leave it to someone else to find the body, not her problem, she didn’t kill anyone and Orochimaru didn’t help her hide the body.

She’s a princess, duh.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, that happened.


End file.
